F$#@ IT ALL

have you ever felt so helpless and close to tears that you just wanted to fall down on your knees in the middle of the road in heavy rain and just feel the rain drenching you to the inmost. not a care abt the surroundings as nothing else matters at that moment.. just you and the ravaging thoughts tearing at your heart from within.. at that instant you realise that there is absolutely no one you can run to at that moment, absolutely no one.. forgive me, perhaps not even God... coz even if you pray... down come the inevitable replies... wait, no, or no reply at all... of course the replies themselves cannot be heard... supposedly only felt. what if you were just imagining the replies. what if all this is untrue.. what if nothing is true..There is a God.. There is a God who died for us... Where is he now ?? where is he now ? Either ways... this is not God's mistake.. so I wont ask him to help.. its my bloody mitake.. every step of the way.. I could have stopped all these things from happening. I could have put an end to everything.. I could have been me and just turned my self away and been coldhearted which I'm so good at doing that theres no one better than me at that... Im not proud of it... but i know its a necessity in my life... you can do anything and i wouldnt so much as let that affect me in the slightest.. but why did i let myself down.. let others down.. screw myself over... ?? Arggghhh...